Do You Realize by The Flaming Lips

I attempted to quit smoking for three days. The word "attempted" should tell you everything but if you're one of those "I need a map for everything ever" then I'll speak plainly: I'm still smoking.

I am trying to write a comic book but after several days of writing "long panel", "page", "column panels", I started cleaning out my desk, downloading my vinyls, organizing my books, selling some books, did laundry.... Basically I have not written in several days because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING WITH MY FUCKING LIFE.

Then I saw a quote on Tumblr:

Normally, I don't really pay mind to quotes on Tumblr due to their usual inaccuracy (though a friend is reminding me telepathically, "You did fall for that mermaid thing on Animal Plant" to which I reply "I WAS DRUNK AND I LOVE MERMAIDS, GIVE IT A REST") but this one hits close to home.  Is it because it's true or because I needed someone else to agree with my lazy self that "No, you don't have to know what you're doing with your life because you're a woman-child and nothing more"?

Then I started to think, "Fuck that. You're a grown woman. You decided that when you moved out of your mother's house and started living halfway across Chicago to declare your independence.  Stop making excuses for yourself and grow the fuck up already. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, LORIMAR."

(At this point you should know I spend a lot of my day arguing with myself.  Sometimes it interferes with my interactions with others.  If this is a symptom of some kind of mental illness or personality disorder, please do not tell me.  I'm the kind of person that researched schizophrenia for about three years for a story I was writing then spent two years debating whether or not I had schizophrenia because I'm always arguing with myself.  The fact I have yet to suffer delusions - SHUT UP AIDAN - and hallucinations are the only reason I have not yet committed myself. Lorimar = Psychosomatic.)

Anyway, what I am trying to tell you, Internet (and myself, if I would only just listen) is this: I'm going to chill out on all the freaking out.  I'm going to stop telling myself what I should or should not be doing and just start doing things (right after this post which is clearly me telling myself to do things by saying to not do them).  I doubt the arguments will stop but here's hoping a new voice comes along saying, "Lori, Lori: stop arguing with each other. Chill out, smoke a cigarette, watch some Adventure Time. Everything's going to be fine."

Actually I hope that voice doesn't show up.  Or at least let it be my voice.

Fuck, I am a crazy person.